He woke with a start, covered in sweat. He had been dreaming. The same dream that had been plaguing him for months now. The one where he only sold one hundred copies of his album and everyone was laughing at him for releasing an album in the first place. He swung his long thin legs off the bed and went over to where he had stashed his laptop. Placing it on the small desk he booted it up and connected to the internet just needing to find something to occupy his anxious mind for a few hours.
He surfed around for a while then typed Justin into the search bar, accidentally misspelling it as Joshtin. He scanned down a list of topics he had never seen before, clicking on individual links and scanning the page before moving on. Link 63 caught his eye Joshtin's Closet A JC/Justin archive. Purely Joshtin: What We All Wish For. He clicked the link and was confronted with a full page of links. Confused he scrolled down. The links seemed to be to stories and sites dedicated to him and Justin. He winced; maybe they hadn’t been as careful as they thought they had.
Curious he clicked on the Joshtin’s closet link and a pink page popped up with fiction written in purple, a picture of him and Justin holding hands on stage and a list of what he took to be authors listed down the side. He clicked on the top author. Nothing happened. He tried again, still the page refused to load. Hitting the back button on his browser he returned to the listing page and clicked the purely Joshtin link. This time the link worked and a list of categories popped up. JC leaned back in his chair and read through the two lists, one titled AU and the other Reality. Most of the titles seemed self-explanatory. Mpreg; what the hell was Mpreg? He clicked on the link and a grid of stories popped up. He clicked on a title that seemed interesting and started to read.
JC read every story on the link page then went looking for more. He had found the answer to his problem, the answer to his loneliness and a way to keep Justin. He needed to get pregnant.
It was the early hours of the morning when he finally yawned and switched off his laptop. He crawled back into bed his mind filled with images of him with a belly swollen with child. His dreams were filled with the same images of him and Justin in a cliff top cottage surrounded in children that were the perfect mixture of them both.
A tapping roused him from his sleep. Dozily he got up and opened the door. A massive bunch of Lilies were thrust under his nose.
“I’m sorry,” Justin said as his head popped out from behind the flowers.
JC trudged back to his bed and crawled under the covers. Justin sighed and let the bouquet hang by his side. He closed the door and sat on the bed next to his melancholy lover. “I know things are not ideal precious, with me on the other side of the country most of the time but I do love you Josh. And one day, when you are ready we’ll get married and never be apart again.”
JC turned over and looked at his younger boyfriend. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes, yes baby I do. All you have to do is say the word.”
JC thought for a moment. “I want to get married Justin. I want you to want me as much as I want you.” JC studied his lovers face, waiting for him to wriggle his way out of it.
“I’ll start putting out feelers, I’ll call Johnny and get him to find out where we get a licence, then we can call our moms they are going to be so happy.”
“Justin. Wait. I lied, well I didn’t but I did.”
“Jace, I don’t understand,” Justin scratched at his scalp confused.
“I want to marry you baby, really I do, but not yet. You have so much more to do. If they know you are gay they will crucify you.”
“I don’t care Josh. For you I’d do it. For you I’d do anything.”
JC threw himself at his lover, smothering his face with kisses. “I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry. I was being selfish. I just love you so much and I can see you getting further and further away from me.”
Justin hugged JC tightly. “Nothing JC, will ever take me away from you.” He kissed JC’s lips tenderly. “I love you, no amount of miles will ever change that.” Justin lifted JC’s chin. “I do you know.”
“Even though I’ll never win a Grammy?”
Justin snarled, “Who the hell said that? If I can get one, you sure the hell can!”
JC gave a little smile and pulled back the covers so that Justin could slide in with him. “Wanna make up?” he asked coyly.
Justin growled and leapt on top of his smaller lover. “I thought you’d never ask he replied.
*
Surfing the net became a habit for JC. Night after night he woke up and went to the pc for comfort. He methodically read every story about male pregnancy, wishing that there was a chance that he could conceive. His desire drove him to search the word Mpreg. Most of the links just lead to more fan fiction, which he ate up enthusiastically, and then he found it. It looked no different to the other links that were listed, but as soon as he clicked it, it opened to a chat room. His fingers hovered uncertainly over the keyboard then he typed ‘gaynsad’ in the user name box and pressed return.
The chat forum opened up and immediately he was welcomed. The whole room consisted of gay men that wanted to be fathers, either by adoption or by other methods. After an hour of chatting and reading others feelings a box popped up.
Miraclemaker: ‘gaynsad, why are you so sad?
gaynsad: ‘what makes you think I am sad?
Miraclemaker: your name for starters. Can I help?’
gaynsad: ‘no one can help.’
Miraclemaker: ‘maybe I can.’
gaynsad: ‘no , I want the impossible.’
Miraclemaker: ‘nothing is impossible if you know the right people and have the right digits in your bank account.’
gaynsad: ‘I want a baby.’
Miraclemaker: ‘then have one.’
gaynsad: ‘I’m a dude, a gay dude. Gay dudes don’t have babies .’
Miraclemaker: ‘say‘s who? I know gay men that have had babies.’
gaynsad: ‘yeah right. It’s not nice to make fun. You don’t know how much it hurts.’
Miraclemaker: ‘I can help.’
JC stared at the simple statement. What the hell was he doing? He was talking to god knows who about his deepest feelings. Things that even Justin didn’t know.
Miraclemaker: ‘gaynsad are you still there?
JC logged out of the chat room and forced the conversation from his mind. He curled up on his bed and chewed his nails. He picked up his cell phone and dialled Justin’s number. Justin’s answer phone clicked on.
“Hey you know what to do so I don’t need to tell ya’ll again. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to ya.”
JC waited till the tone stopped then spoke , leaving his sadness-tinged message. “Hey. What you doing. I was feeing lonely , just wanted a friendly voice. I love you. Come home soon … please.” He hung up and lay down, a tear leaking from the corner of his eye.
*
“Have you ever read stories?” JC asked Chris the question as the smaller, dark haired man negotiated his way through the LA traffic.
“What you mean a book, like Lord of the Rings that sort of thing?”
“No; I mean stories, you know about us.”
Chris glimpsed at the younger man sitting blushing beside him. “I read some once. Justin and Lance were aliens and kidnapped you and me and made babies with us. Far fetched shit but an ok read.”
“I haven’t seen that one. Do you still have the link?” JC blushed beetroot as he realised what he had just said.
“You hooked on fan fiction Jace?”
JC nodded embarrassed to admit his new addiction. “it’s got me thinking that’s all. The story you read, we had babies? I mean actually gave birth?”
“JC they are stories made up by people with way too much time on their hands and whose best friend is a monitor and keyboard.” Chris took another quick glimpse at his friend. “you know that right?”
JC chewed at the inside of his mouth and stared out of the window at the passing houses and people. “Course. Its just fantasy. I’m not stupid.”
Chris was now worried. He had never seen JC so down before. “Jace is there anything you wanna talk about? I know I’m not Justin but I can listen.”
JC gave a half-hearted laugh. “still trying to practice your psychology Kirkpatrick?”
“Still hiding from your feelings Chasez?”
JC turned his head and stared out of the car window again silently and ignored all other attempts from Chris to engage him in further conversation.
*
gaynsad: ‘Miraclemaker are you there?
Miraclemaker: gaynsad I never expected to see you again. I thought I had upset you.’
gaynsad: ‘not upset me. I just had too much to think about.’
Miraclemaker: did you work anything out?
.gaynsad: ‘not really, it just hurts more than ever now.
’Miraclemaker: Can I help?
JC stared at the typed words blinking on his screen. The person on the internet asked again.
’
Miraclemaker: Can I help?
gaynsad: ‘No. only a miracle could help me.
Miraclemaker: didn‘t you read my name? I can make miracles happen.
gaynsad: ‘you are teasing again. It’s not nice.
Miraclemaker: I‘m serious. I know someone that has helped people like you in the past. And for a price he will help you too.
gaynsad: ‘you’re offering me hearsay. I need to go now, I have an early start.
Miraclemaker: meet me.
gaynsad: ‘I don’t know you. No, I need to go.
Miraclemaker: meet me.
gaynsad: ‘I can‘t.
Miraclemaker: why not, what are you frightened of?
gaynsad: ‘myself’
The cursor never moved for a long moment and JC had just begun to think that Miraclemaker had left.
Miraclemaker: meet me. I have something to show you.
JC closed his laptop and took a deep breath, then before he could change his mind he opened it back up and signed back in.
gaynsad: ‘Miraclemaker where?
Miraclemaker: do you know the Coffee Shop in Maple Avenue?
gaynsad: ‘no, but I can find it
Miraclemaker: meet me there tomorrow at 2.30.
gaynsad: ‘how will I know you?’
Miraclemaker: I‘ll carry a rose, anyway you won‘t be able to miss me. Till tomorrow then.
Miraclemaker signed out before JC could change his mind again. The slim singer sat back and stared at his blank screen and wondered what he had done.?
He spent the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep from the mixture of excitement and apprehension. What was he thinking? He was planning to meet a total stranger in an area of town that he didn’t know. This Miraclemaker could be anyone, a psycho planning to murder him. Worse still it could be a teeny that had figured out who he was and had her or his posse of teeny friends waiting to mob him. No, he wouldn’t go. That would be the most stupid thing he had ever done in his life. He settled back against his pillows having made his decision, he knew he was doing the right thing. He would just log on tomorrow night, make some excuse and apologise. Men couldn’t have babies, never could, never will.