The huge smile fell from Josh’s face. “What?” The muscles in his jaw twitched as he fought to control the tremor in his bottom lip.
“JC, I’m going out there on my own now, I got my solo single coming soon and I think its time we ended this game that we been playing.”
He called me JC, the brunettes head swam, tears formed in his eyes. He stared through the glass partition at the throngs of people, his friends and family all dancing and drinking, enjoying themselves like he had been till a few minutes ago when Justin had drawn him into the small side room. Josh had thought Justin just wanted to be alone with him so they could kiss and cuddle and be together for a few moments before having to pull apart and become the eligible young bachelors they were meant to be.
“Game? what game Justin?”
The blond raked his fingers through his shorn hair rubbing his scalp furiously as he answered “ Us JC, it was always a game, it was never really going anywhere you know that right?” The older of the two men chewed hard on his bottom lip, staring intently at the crowd on the other side of the darkly tinted glass. “I ... I thought you loved me.” He stammered “I thought you loved me like I love you.”
“Jace I’m sorry.” Justin took a step towards his lover reaching out to console him. Josh stepped back away from the comforting touch. His steely blue eyes liquid with threatening tears. He didn’t look at Justin, he couldn’t if he looked at him then all control he was barely able to hold on to would be lost. “I though we were forever.” Josh whispered softly more to himself than to the blond that stood mere inches away from him. “I loved you, I am in love with you, How can you do this? why Justin? why did you let me believe you loved me too?” a single tear rolled slowly down his chiselled face, dripping off his pointed chin.
“I’m not gay Jace.” Justin swallowed a deep sigh “I never was”
“Not gay! We been together for two fucking years Justin, now suddenly your not gay.” Josh tore at his brown curls in helplessness.
“This has to end JC, surely you can see that?” Justin held his voice strong it was true he didn’t love the man crumbling slowly before him, but he didn’t hate him and didn’t really want to hurt him. That’s what made this whole damned mess so hard to fix.
“You, You’re going back to Brittany ?” Why was he torturing himself, what if Justin said yes?
“No, Me and Brit are through, I don’t want her.”
“Why tonight Justin, why tell me now?” Tears were falling steadily down Josh’s face now, leaving wet salty trails over his exquisite features, his eyes puffy and rimmed red as he faced Justin for the first time since they had started this dreadful conversation.
“You had to know. I didn’t realise you felt so deeply for me till I heard you telling Chris you were thinking about coming out to confessing to the world you were gay. Did you think that if you did that you and me would be together. No-one knows about us and I’m not coming out Jace. Not for you, not for anyone.” Justin again tried to touch his former lover. Josh turned his back on the younger man his shoulders shaking as he attempted to regain control over the harsh sobs welling in his chest. “You couldn’t have told me later tomorrow or next week?”
“It wouldn’t have been fair JC, to you or to me.”
“ So you tell me now, tonight, Happy Birthday Josh and oh by the way I don’t love you. I never loved you, You were just a toy to play with till I found someone better.” The sobs won the battle for control “It ... It’s ... My ... F ...Fucking ... Birth .. birthday .. Party, You ... You arranged ..it. Why don’t you love me Justin?” He fell to his knees his head falling into his hands as he cried piteously.
“I’m not gay Jaycee. This, this thing we shared was fun but that’s all it was ever meant to be fun.” Justin got down on his knees beside the shattered man, his wide blue eyes full of pity.
“You made love to me.” the words were barely audible
“How can you not be gay, you made love to me. You shared my bed for two years, You are gay Justin, no matter what you say you are GAY.” He shook the young blondes hands from his shoulders “You made love to me!”
“I’m not gay JC, I .. I like women. I like women and men, I guess I’m BI.” Justin got up on his feet and watched as a few mutual friends engaged in a mad dance, waving their hands stupidly as they jumped up and down.
“BI?” Josh snorted as he scrubbed at his eyes, “You’re BI but still you don’t want me? What do you want Justin ? Who do you want?”
“Don’t do this to yourself JC, Don’t torture yourself like this, lets just kiss goodnight and go our separate ways. I don’t want to hurt you baby.” Justin reamained firm.
“Too late.” Was the breathed reply “You’ve destroyed me, I’m broken, soiled goods.” He turned to face his ex-lover “Tell me Justin, who am I being thrown aside for? Just tell me.”
Josh gasped and crumbled into a heap sobbing as his heart shattered. Pain ripping through his slender frame, tearing at his very soul.
“I’m sorry JC. Lance doesn’t know about you and me. It was a well kept secret, no thanks to you, I’ve been seeing him for a while now.”
“Stop.” the plea was heart wrenching “Please stop, I don’t want to hear anymore.”
“I don’t love you Josh, I love Lance. I’m in love with Lance. I’m so, so sorry.” Justin used the back of his hand to swipe away a tear wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“Go, please go.”
The younger man walked to the door pausing briefly to look back at the pathetic creature balled on the dirty floor “I’m sorry baby but you had to know.” As the door closing echoed through the small room and Joshua Chasez felt as if his life come to an end.